“Tahanan” and My Search for Home (HivePH May Blogging Contest)

Ironically, my favorite Filipino word is also the same word I don’t quite have. It’s the one thing in the world that I have fervently protected, consequently lost and eventually, slowly tried to find again.

“Tahanan” is a Filipino word that roughly translates to “Home” in English. Just as “home” is different from “house”, “tahanan” is also different from “bahay” in a sense that “tahanan” has a feeling of warmth and affection instead of just being a place of dwelling. Moreover, the root word of “tahanan” is the word “tahan” which means “to stop crying”, and if I may personalize the meaning further, “to stop crying as one is reaching a state of comfort”. With this, “tahanan” elevates itself from “home” to “a place where receives comfort, enough to stop their tears”. “Tahanan” becomes a sanctuary to lay your burdens and feel them dissipate.

Being a Homebody

I’ve never been an outdoors person and, my sisters can attest to this, I used to stay in my room a lot. I just have a strong connection with places I can call my own and spaces where I can be myself. That’s what “tahanan” is to me.

But of course, “tahanan” goes beyond buildings and bedrooms. “Tahanan” is also a home because of the people you’re with. Because of this, I also made sure to take care of the people with me just as I tried to take care of the place I live in. Some days, I’m able to keep the peace. Some days, I contribute to the chaos.

As the eldest child, the responsibility of managing the household often befell on me. This task sometimes covered simple chores like washing the dishes, making the bed, but more often than not, it included managing everyone else’s emotions. I became a mediator and a confidante during the biggest of fights. As such, I shrugged my own emotions as I looked for solutions that would patch up the walls whenever my home would crumble.

In retrospect, everyone was probably just doing what they can. But, eventually, being the homebody took its toll on me, no matter how much I loved the people with me.

When I Speak of Home

Right now, I do not have a home, at least not in the conventional sense. I am living with my sister in an apartment that we rented, estranged from most of the family other people probably still have. (And typing it all out like that just reminded me of how painful it is.)

However, at the same time, walking away from what I thought was home and beginning the journey in search of my real “tahanan” is still one of the best things to happen to me. In walking away from situations that harmed me, I was empowered to start questioning what kind of home I deserved to be in, what kind of home I want to give myself.

I’m still growing, healing and figuring things out, but I can say this:

I deserve to be in a “tahanan” where I can express my emotions healthily. Here, I can make mistakes and the world will not end; I will not be hated. In my “tahanan”, I am supported and this support gives me the freedom to be honest with who I am, instead of playing a role or presenting only the sides of me that will be loved and accepted.

If I’m being honest, I’ve never loved myself more than when I started living in my current apartment. I’ve never been safer than I was with my sister. The best part of it all is that because I have this safe space, “tahanan” to me also became the place where it was safe enough for me to cry.

From a person that held everything in, I became someone who can wail as loudly as I want to and shed tears for as long as my heart needs. In my “tahanan”, it’s okay to be overwhelmed in sadness because I don’t have anything to hide here, and because eventually, “tatahan din naman ako”. I will stop crying anyway.

Honestly, I am blessed to be in the position I am in. Although I will struggle for the rest of my lifetime in trying to figure out what it means to be home, I know that I’ve been making progress. That’s enough for me for now.

I actually have a lot more thoughts about the concept of “tahanan”, so much so that I wrote a poem and submitted it to an anthology entitled “When I Speak of Home” by LitArt Publishing. If you want to check it out, you can find it here.

Thank you, internet friends for sticking around and reading. (This is a very personal piece for me so it’s like giving away pieces of my heart to all of you!) I hope you find your “tahanan” too! P.S. All photos are mine unless stated otehrwise.

Special thanks to HivePH for this contest and this prompt. (Gabing-gabi na nga, pinapaiyak pa ako! Eme.)